


little wonders

by rosesuho



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 05:30:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11730483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosesuho/pseuds/rosesuho
Summary: junmyeon tells sehun not to fall in love with him.however, it's a little too late for that.





	little wonders

_**Who is he?** _

This first wonder occurs at my door step.

He stands somewhat tall, slick brown hair covering his head, a black t-shirt along with tattered jeans covering his body. It doesn’t require for me to see him closer to notice he is sad. Just by the way he moves, the way he stands—there is something within him that is bringing him down. I want to know what it is. I want to know who _he_ is.

I watch him as he slowly but surely unpacks the boxes from the moving truck. Another woman, who is petite in size yet affectionate towards the man, helps him as he hoists each box out of the vehicle and into the house. There are times where he sits down on the driveway, taking in deep breaths, leaning against the house. He will tilt his head back with his eyes shut. I wonder.

_Who is he?_

The first wonder is answered once he knocks on my door that very night. Seeing his face up close changes all the things that had been running through my mind regarding him. He has bright eyes that cause a tightening in my chest, for their brilliance is too much to bear all at once. Not only that, but the small smirk that forms upon his lips as I open the door. I suddenly can’t breathe.

“Hi,” is all he says. He has a raspy and deep voice, one that I would be okay with listening to for forever. “I’m supposed to give these to you.”

He hands over a plate of hotteok. The sweet scent of the dessert makes my stomach grumble. I hesitate to accept the plate, but reach over to grab it once the man in front of me coughs subtly. He smiles bigger as I examine the treats.

“Thank you,” I tell him. He nods. My chest tightens even more as I watch him.

“I’m Junmyeon, I’m living right across the street. I hope you enjoy the hotteok.” His voice is even raspier, but in a way, I like it. He coughs again before trotting off the front porch. As he walks away, my dog, Vivi, began to bark. I pick him up before I wave to the man—Junmyeon—but he doesn’t see me.

* * *

 

_**What is he doing?** _

The second wonder crosses my mind when I see him laying outside in the complete darkness, curled up in a ball, but managing to look up at the stars. I don’t see him move at all. As I watch from my bedroom window, my curiosity only grows more and more.

It is plenty late for me to get into trouble, but I really can’t bear to watch Junmyeon lay there in the cold, when he can be inside in the warmth.

I make my way down the steep stairs, making sure there’s no creaking as I walk. Once I reach the final step, I grab my coat from the hanger and open the front door. Once I’m outside, the cold air immediately sends my spine in a chill and my teeth begin to chatter. He still hasn’t moved, not even once the door closes behind me.

I slowly walk across the street, hugging my arms to keep warm. My nose already feels stuffy and my ears already feel red from the freezing temperatures. There are no cars driving in the neighborhood at this hour, so making it across the street is rather simple.

I step onto the frost-coated grass. Junmyeon continues to lay in the same fetal position.

“J-Junmyeon?” I speak. My voice is rather loud due to the stillness of the night.

He shifts in his spot, looking over at me. “What?” he replies, his voice barely audible. “What is it?”

I can tell he’s in a daze, for it takes him a few moments to realize I’m standing right before him. He coughs a few times before completely sitting up, along with a dragged-out yawn. I step back away from him once he begins to stand. His hair is a rustled mess atop his head. He runs his hand through the brown locks.

“Are you okay? Why are you out here? It’s late,” I question. Junmyeon squints at me, for the darkness made it difficult to see almost anything. He scratches his head.

“I…had an argument with my mother. I came out here to get some air, I guess I fell asleep. I’m okay.” He begins to walk back into his house, but I don’t realize until the sound of a garage door opening fills my ears. He then starts coughing more. The sound has become more and more familiar to me, unfortunately.

I suddenly feel an urge to stop Junmyeon, just so I could look at his dazzling eyes a bit longer, and so I could hear his voice once more.

“Wait!” I shout. He turns around. His face shows confusion. “Come inside with me.”

He reluctantly walks towards me, his feet crunching on the frozen grass. My heart beats faster. Once he’s right in front of me, I notice that even in this pitch-black sky and the low light of the night, his eyes continue to shine. I’ve never seen anyone like him before. Never.

“Okay,” he replies with a grin. My heart skips a beat.

We’re back inside my house, and the silence between us is rather painful. He’s been living here for four months, yet we have absolutely nothing to talk about. Maybe, I could bring up how loud it is when the garbage truck comes around, or how it makes my dog go insane. I could bring up how this is only the second time I’ve seen Junmyeon since he moved here.

“You have a nice house,” he comments as he studies the living area. His voice cracks at some point, but he immediately shrugs it off by clearing his throat. Then, he starts coughing again. All there is surrounding us is the fireplace, the framed family photos on the wall, and the television before the couch we sit on. I let out a sigh.

“It’s just a house.”

* * *

 

_**When will I hear him sing?** _

Months passed where I’d occasionally find Junmyeon hanging around outside. Most of the time, he would just be laying on the grass, or he’d be sitting on the driveway with a notebook, writing away the day. There were times when I was curious, so I’d go outside and meet him. But every time, he’d hide the notebook away.

But there were also periods of time where he’d never be outside, even when there were clear and sunny skies. That surprised me the most. He could be outside for hours, whether it be raining, freezing, or way too windy to even keep the notebook on the ground. It had worried me, for the outdoors seemed to be his favorite place.

Once several weeks had passed, I knocked on his door almost every day. His mother would always answer. She’d always say, “Junmyeon isn’t available right now. I’m sorry.”

She didn’t seem very sorry.

It’s now almost the end of my final school year. No seeing Junmyeon on the weekends due to hard and intense studying. No seeing anyone for that matter, since not having any friends makes it hard to do just about anything outside my small little neighborhood. Spending my life inside, watching my life slip away each day, had become normal. So spending even more time studying was no challenge.

It took Junmyeon a good five months to finally be the one to come and knock on my door. He still looks sad, but that wasn’t new. He seemed sad when he first moved in.

He didn’t say anything at first, which just resulted in us staring at each other, awaiting for some action to occur. But, I’m glad he gave me the chance to admire him even more, because it seemed that in that moment, I noticed that not only his eyes were bright, but his hair was even more perfect than the last time he stood at my doorstep like this, and his lips were the perfect shade of pale-pink. He was marvelous in more ways than I initially thought.

“Do you want to walk with me?” he asks. I raise my eyebrows and open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I realize I’m standing there like a complete idiot once Vivi runs up to the door barking. I’m brought back into reality, and I accept Junmyeon’s offer. I bring Vivi with me on the leash.

We make our way down the clean sidewalk of our neighborhood. The grass is a vibrant green, some houses decorated with flower gardens at their fronts. The sight entirely brings more happiness to the atmosphere.

We eventually reach a local park where there’s a wide field of grass along with benches here and there. We find one beneath a tree to give some shade. I pick up a stick for Vivi as we claim our seat.

Junmyeon sits while I take Vivi off his leash. I throw the stick, and he runs far from us, fur bouncing as he sprints. He eventually comes running back with the stick in his mouth, and once he reaches us, he jumps on Junmyeon’s legs. He pets my dog, and Vivi lets out a bark of glee. I smile at the sight, because Junmyeon shows the grin I’ve been waiting to see all these months.

“What have you been doing the past few months?” I ask, starting a conversation. Junmyeon sighs as he looks out at the view of the grass and the trees before us.

“Nothing important,” he replies. I throw the stick for Vivi again.

“It must be important. It’s been nearly half a year.”

Junmyeon stays quiet for a while. I glimpse at him, and he’s staring at Vivi who now lies at his feet. He softly strokes the white fur, ignoring my statement.

“Just figuring out stuff for school. I might be going to university next year,” he finally informs. I nod, finally understanding his absences. School stuff. Just like me.

“What are you going to study?” I ask.

Junmyeon looks up. “Music. Songwriting, performing, and composing.”

I’m surprised at what he says. However, it excites me. “I’ve always loved music. That’s cool you get to do it professionally.”

Knowing Junmyeon has a passion for music immediately interests me. I suddenly wonder about all the lyrics he’s written and all the melodies and chord progressions he writes along with those poetic lines. I wonder about the stories behind these songs. I wonder about it all.

But most of all, I wonder, _when will I hear him sing?_

* * *

_**Am I really in love?** _

Turns out Junmyeon has more interest in me than I had thought. It was always me wondering about him. Wondering if he had ever thought the same way of me as I did of him. Wondering if he ever gazed at me the way I do when I’m with him.

It was another summer evening, he had told me that he was going to take me somewhere. I wondered what that somewhere was, but I figured it was a rather calm somewhere, for Junmyeon was a calm person and seemed to only care for calm environments.

However, I’m rather surprised when Junmyeon drives me into the town. It’s quite busy, so I wonder exactly why he’s brought me here.

We walk the streets of the town, the somewhat-dark night sky above our heads, moon shining bright due to the cloudless evening. Junmyeon walks at a faster pace than the average human. I hook onto his arm to keep up with him.

“Why exactly are we here? This is far from calm,” I ask under a laugh. Junmyeon doesn’t answer me for a while.

“Don’t worry, we won’t be here long.”

We finally come to a stop, and it’s at a set up station, selling some sort of treats. The scent that fills my nose is rather familiar.

“Hotteok,” Junmyeon cheers as he looks at me with a grin. I smile at him, then we begin to laugh. He leads us closer to the stand. I impatiently wait as he pays for the food, my stomach growing more hungry, my anticipation thriving. The scent reminded me of the summer evening when I first saw Junmyeon up close. When I first saw his bright eyes. When I first saw his marvelous smile. When I first wondered about him.

Junmyeon completes the payment before handing me the snack. I immediately delve in, tasting the sweet treat that I had tasted all those months ago. As Junmyeon and I walk back to his car with the grub in our hands, I realize that Junmyeon has been living only thirty seconds away from me, yet I know nearly nothing about him. I know that he writes. I know he is calm. And I know he likes calm places.

“Where to next?” I ask, sitting myself in the passenger seat. Junmyeon starts the car before answering.

“My beach.”

We drive down the main roads which soon turn into back roads, and I then realize why Junmyeon had said my beach. The sands and water are completely secluded from the rest of the area. There’s no possible way anybody else could ever find it.

Junmyeon leads as we progress closer to the trillions of soft rocks. He seems to know this place inside and out.

He coughs. “I’ve been coming here a lot lately. The beach is more calm than anywhere else.”

I nod. We both find a spot in the center of the shore, which is a good distance away from the water. I can still feel slight mists as the tides roll in, though. But the sensation is pleasant due to the rather humid evening.

“It’s nice,” I comment. I look around, and to our right is a semi-large, rocky cliff. There are several rocks lining the bottom of it, the trail ending once it reaches the water. Behind us are the patches of dry grass. And to our left is the mound of sand combined with the meadow.

“Any updates on your music?” I ask him.

“Writing. Playing. It’s all the same,” Junmyeon answers without enthusiasm. “How about you? What have you been up to?”

“Well, I’ve been worrying about you.”

Junmyeon stays quiet. So do I. Except I’m doing the thing that I always do, which is admire his being right in front of me. I examine the way he stares at the waters before us. His eyes are squinted, studying each foamy wave that crashes onto the shore. Measuring the height and time difference of each swell. Watching the moon as its reflection on the water grows brighter as the sky grows darker.

He finally stops his examination on the landscape and looks towards me. I slightly flinch when he puts his hand over my long fingers.

“Sehun,” he breathes. I hold my breath. “You shouldn’t think of me this way.”

I blink, but only once, for my body seems to freeze up completely in that moment. I don’t even open my mouth to speak, for I have zero words to say.

“You really can’t be in love with me. I know you are.”

I feel my heart pound even harder. I can’t seem to control the thoughts flooding my mind. I get the same stiff feeling in my chest, and nerves start to dance around in my stomach. Before I could contemplate it, my face is centimeters from Junmyeons. I lace my fingers in between his which had been covering my hand. And I kiss him. I feel his soft lips against mine, and I don’t think about it, and I don’t regret it.

That is until he leaves me.

* * *

_**Does he hate me?** _

Two months pass. No Junmyeon.

No lying outside on the grass, watching the sky above him.

No silent moments.

No conversations about our lives.

No hotteok.

No playing with Vivi.

I can’t wonder about him.

* * *

_**Is he okay?** _

This is the first time I knock on his door, and Junmyeon himself answers. It looks as if he’s just woken up from a long nap. His hair is unbrushed, his eyes weak, no smile on his face.

“Hi.” I hold onto the towels beneath my arm tighter. Junmyeon slowly blinks, most likely awaiting an explanation as to why I’m standing before him.

“I’m going to the beach. Your beach, if you want to join me.”

Before I know it, Junmyeon is in my car with me. Except we’re both quiet as ever, but I had expected that, especially after what happened the last time I saw him.

As we sit in the car, I don’t drive off. I sit there in silence as the engine runs and the air conditioning starts to blast through the vents. I look at Junmyeon, awaiting an explanation.

“I’m sorry,” he says before clearing his throat. “Life hasn’t been easy lately. I just couldn’t see you.” I nod, even though it’s hard to understand his words, for they’re so vague. I figure it’s something having to do with college tuitions. It was stressful, for I had thought about that too, being out of high school. I could see why that would distance him.

“It’s okay,” I answer with a subtle grin. He does the same.

“Let’s go. I need a distraction.”

And I drive away. We’re driving down the busy streets and the quiet, empty streets. I feel happiness and relief grow inside me knowing Junmyeon is no longer holding our grudge. As warm as it is outside, the sky isn’t colorful. The blue is covered by thick tufts of clouds.

We reach the shore after several more minutes, the familiar sound of waves crashing and wind blowing through the trees fills my ears. It brings immediate comfort, but also brings the bitter memory of Junmyeon leaving me. Telling me I can’t be in love with him. I suddenly feel down as we walk right over the spot where we sat last time.

“Can we swim?” Junmyeon asks me, but for some reason, he speaks with sadness. I say yes to the idea, for he asked, and I wanted him to be happy.

Soon enough we’re in the water, and it’s rather warm, despite the overcast sky. While I walk out deeper, Junmyeon lags behind in the shallow. I walk back, hooking my arm around his, taking him with me.

The waves grow bigger once the wind picks up, sometimes swallowing my body beneath the water, meanwhile Junmyeon tries to stay above. I swim back towards him, since he apparently likes being in the shallow, and jump on his back. He lets out a laugh as I wrap my arms around him.

“Don’t let me drown,” I scold. He grabs onto my legs, walking further out into the water. When waves roll over, he turns around so our backs crash against them. Eventually, I jump off his torso, and he turns around so he’s facing me. He glares at me for a moment, then looks down at the water. He looks so calm, so peaceful, just standing right in front of me. I wish I could kiss his sweet, soft lips again. I wish I could love him. But he said it himself, _I can’t._

Time passes, and we try our best to relax out in the water, even though the waves seem to be stronger once each minute passes. Junmyeon starts drifting further away from me. I keep an eye on him, for when he starts coughing again, I start to worry. He eventually starts swimming back out to the shore, and I start to follow behind him.

“Junmyeon?” I shout. He makes it out of the water, but he’s still coughing non-stop. I speed up, reaching to sand again, then Junmyeon. He’s hunched over as he continues his hacking.

“Junmyeon, are you okay?” I set a hand on his back, but he immediately falls to his knees. I can hear it in his short heaves that he’s trying to catch his breath. I kneel in front of him. “Jun. Just take a deep breath,” I instruct. He shakes his head.

“I can’t,” he heaves in between coughs. He starts breathing heavily and quickly, and when he barks up another cough, there’s blood covering his forearm. I immediately panic. He starts breathing heavily again, his eyes shut, head hanging loose towards the ground.

“Junmyeon, we need to take you to a hospital. Come on.” I help him stand up by wrapping his arm around my shoulder. I look over to him, and his face shows no emotion, but his eyelids are heavy and blood drips from his mouth. As I look at him, I brush a loose strand of hair from his face. He starts coughing more once we reach the car.

Once we’re settled in the car, I scramble to find a water bottle, but there’s nothing. “Just hang in there okay,” I tell Junmyeon. He looks at me slowly, and I can tell he needs to say something.

“St. Joe's,” he mutters. “Go to St. Joe's hospital.” I drive away.

I grab a hold of his hand, and I hold it tight. He doesn’t squeeze back.

* * *

_**Why did he lie?** _

They had to admit Junmyeon into the hospital that week. I went to see him every day, but that was hard, for he seemed to be worse each day. I still didn’t know what was wrong with him. He refused to tell me. But it doesn’t take long for me to find out.

I’m sitting next to the bed where he rests, and he watches whatever series the hospital has on their TV. He looks in agony. There are wires connecting his body to the machines next to the bed, along with a nasal catheter, and an obnoxious beep comes from the heart monitor with each beat of his heart.

“Do you know when you can leave?” I ask Junmyeon, grabbing his attention again. He slowly turns his head to look at me, except his eyes are glaring past me.

“No. Hopefully by the weekend.” He pulls the covers over his body more, getting more comfortable beneath the sheets. “You should head home, Sehun. You’ve been here every day.”

I stand up so I can sit on the bed in front of Junmyeon. He moves his legs to make room. “I need to know you’re okay.”

He looks the opposite direction from me, letting out a short sigh. I grab his hand and hold it. His fingers are cold and dry beneath mine. He turns his head towards me again and smiles small. He glances at our hands, and suddenly, his expression drops. He’s sad again. I wonder why.

Once Junmyeon’s mother walks into the room with the doctor, I remove my hand from his grasp. I stand from the bed, giving way for the doctor to speak to Junmyeon.

“Nice to see you again, Junmyeon,” the doctor greets. He looks at the machines standing next to the bed, examining the different components. “Do you feel any better?”

Silence grows in the room once Junmyeon answers no. The doctor doesn’t seemed shocked, however, which surprises me.

“Well, it seems you’ve gotten worse since your last visit. You’ve been taking all your medications and doing treatments, right?” The doctor shows great concern in this conversation. The look on his face is a mixture of worrisome and angry. Meanwhile I’m completely confused.

“Yes.” Junmyeon turns over on his side but still faces the doctor.

“Well, the incident was definitely because of your illness. Just continue taking the tablets and treatments. You should be ready to be back home by tomorrow,” the doctor finalizes before exiting the room. I try to process all he’s said in the past minute, for it just confused me. Illness. Treatment. Medication. I have no idea what it all means.

Junmyeon turns away from where I stand. His mother walks towards the bed, taking a seat next to her son. “Jun, are you sure you’re okay?” she asks, her voice soft and sweet over the humming and beeping of the machines.

“I’m tired of this,” he answers honestly. “I just want to be healthy.”

Mrs. Kim strokes Junmyeon’s hair and holds his hand. I slowly walk towards the bed.

“Junmyeon?” I say, my voice cracking a little. “Are you okay?” He sits up and looks over at me. There are tears in his eyes, yet his face looks the same—expressionless. No happiness. No sadness. _Nothing_.

“I’m dying, Sehun.”

I don’t believe him at first. It’s hard to believe any of the words coming from his mouth, for there’s no emotion behind his voice, and no emotion in his face. I have no reason to believe him.

“You can’t be dying,” I panic. “You’re okay, you’re just like me, you live, you’re…you’re okay, Jun.”

He shakes his head. “I’m not okay. Cystic fibrosis is a death sentence, and that’s what I have. I’m not gonna be around for very long.”

I don’t stay for another second longer. I let out a scoff, immediately storming out of the room. The past year has been a whole lie. Those months where I thought he hated me were because he is dying. The time he told me I can’t be in love with him is all because he’s dying. By go to university next year, he meant he was dying next year.

“Sehun,” Junmyeon shouts sternly from the room. I ignore him, continuing my stride through the building. The fluorescent lights have given me a headache, and the thoughts exploring my mind have spiraled out of control. I speed down the hospital halls, not looking back.

Once I reach my car, I sit there for several moments. I hate that the sky is blue and the sun is out, for it completely contrasts the thoughts occurring in my head. As I think about Junmyeon laying in that flat and uncomfortable bed, trying his hardest to simply take a breath, tears brim at my eyes and the beating in my chest speeds up. Before I can allow myself to get any angrier or upset, I drive off, going through the busy and not-so-busy roads to my house. This house in which my parents still live in, this house where Vivi still barks at my feet every time I walk in.

I lay in bed that night, and more wonders cross my mind than before.

_Should I fall out of love?_

Can _I fall out of love?_

_Is it okay to be mad at him when I love him?_

_Is there such thing as a heaven for just him and I?_

_Why did he lie?_

* * *

 

**_What will I do without him?_ **

I don’t see Junmyeon until a week after he was released from the hospital. I couldn’t bear to visit him on my own, for he had lied to me, and I didn’t want to give him any more chances to lie again. But when he calls me telling me to see him, it feels selfish of me to say no.

To my surprise, when I visit him, he isn’t in bed. Instead, I find him in the room next to his bedroom. The walls are a pleasant grey color, and the sun shining through the window adds more color and light to the room. The space is rather empty, minus a few more machines that I assume are for Junmyeon’s treatments, the oxygen tank that sends air to Junmyeon’s nose, and right against the wall—a piano. Upright, black, and polished. And before it sits Junmyeon, his eyes scanning the keys, but no playing them. I close the door behind me, which grabs Junmyeon’s attention. He barely smiles as he glances up at me.

“Hey Jun,” I greet. I walk closer to him. He makes space on the piano bench, and I take a seat next to him. He looks at the ground.

“I’m sorry,” he says, voice dry and quiet. Hearing some of his voice gives me relief.

“For what?”

He slithers his hand slowly towards mine, reaching for my hand. I give him my hand, and he grips onto my fingers. I smile at the gesture, and it sends a rush of adrenaline through me. I can’t help but let my heart flutter.

“I should have told you from the start. That I was sick,” he explains slowly. “We moved here because I thought I was getting better treatment. They even told me I could get a lung transplant if we found a donor.”

At first, I don’t know what to say. There isn’t even much to say.

“It’s okay.”

“Sehun,” Junmyeon says, his voice husky and quiet. “Please sing for me.”

I glance at him, a confused expression on my face. The idea of me singing—not only the idea in general, but doing it for Junmyeon—terrified me. There wasn’t a clear reason as to why he stated this idea.

“W-why?” I ask in monotone. I suddenly feel bad when Junmyeon’s face becomes even more dark and morose. He looks down at the piano keys with a sullen expression. I want to make him smile, but it seems as if I can’t—that is, unless I sing.

“I have written a song, but I can’t sing it. I want you to sing it. Please.”

Junmyeon looks towards me. His expression is solemn, and I can tell he’s being sincere. I reluctantly nod, clearing my throat. He smiles small.

He turns back to the piano and begins to play. Although the song is rather slow and simple, I’m mesmerized as I watch his small fingers gently press down on the keys, creating a soft chord. The sound of the warm instrument sends me into a daze.

The melody pauses. I glance over at Junmyeon, who’s looking at me, then over to the sheet of lyrics and music notes.

 _“This moment when I am with you, if only time can stop,”_ I sing. Junmyeon continues to play, his eyes . I seem to lose sight of what’s happening as I listen further to the soft notes.

_“I want be the star that protects you, even if I’m in a place where you can’t see.”_

I take in a sharp breath. There’s a pause in the music, and Junmyeon looks at me for a fleeting moment. I exhale, focusing on the lyrics. Junmyeon starts to play in forte, rather that mezzo piano, the piano now louder rather than tender and slow. I do the same with my voice as the chorus comes in.

_“A star that rises during the day, a star that protects you. Even if you can’t see it, even if you can’t see anything.”_

The more I sing, the more aware I become, and the more I feel my heart break. I feel the need to touch Junmyeon to reassure myself that he’s still here, he’s still breathing, and he’s still alive. Whether that be me stopping his piano playing to hold his hand, or just feeling the hem of his t-shirt. I needed to feel him, for it had already felt like he was slipping away from me.

_“I am the star that protects you, even if you can’t see me.”_

A lump forms in my throat. No matter how hard I try to hold back my tears, they continue to form. I take in a deep and shaky breath. A tear falls down my cheek, but I quickly wipe it away before Junmyeon can see.

I power through the song, my throat beginning to grow sore, my heart breaking even more, my chest tightening worse.

_“Even if I can’t see you, I won’t forget you.”_

Junmyeon takes his hands off the keys, looking below him as he did so. More tears fall down my face as I look at him. I reach for his hand, slowly gripping onto it. I feel his flesh beneath my fingers, and I let out a sigh of relief, because he’s here. I see him and I feel him, and he’s alive.

He finally looks at me, and there are tears in his eyes too. “Thank you.”

My eyes fall deep into Junmyeon’s appearance. I notice that his bright eyes are no longer bright, but dark and empty. I haven’t seen his smile in what feels like forever, it’s a smile I would love to see again, a smile I miss dearly.

I stand up from the piano bench. I turn away from Junmyeon, more tears falling down my face. I wipe them away one by one, but I’m too slow, because Junmyeon notices. I hear him get up behind me, and before I know it, he’s standing right in front of me. I slowly glance up at him. He has zero expression—his eyes just stare at me, eyebrows relaxed, and his lips are in a straight line

“Are you really okay?” I ask, the soreness in my throat preventing my voice from speaking loud enough. When Junmyeon doesn’t answer me for a while, I look at his sullen eyes. I then have no choice but to fully break down, because I know he is broken, and he isn’t strong enough. And I feel myself break, knowing I’m not enough to give him strength. I wish I was. I wish he could stay.

Junmyeon takes me in his arms as I cry. I let out all the emotions I have felt since the day I met him. All the confusion I felt since he told me he was dying. All the sadness I’ve felt since I realized how much I love him, and this could be the last time he holds me, or this could be the last time I smell his scent, or the last time I feel his arms around me.

“You’ll be okay,” he whispers to me. That only causes more sobs to escape me. I suddenly can’t breathe, for my cries have become too much, and my face is buried in the curve of Junmyeon’s neck and shoulder. I hold him tighter, feeling his torso on each centimeter of my arms.

“Just try hard,” I whimper. “Just stay, please. You deserve to stay. Please, Junmyeon. Just stay.”

My sobs come to an end after what feels like hours, my face is redder than ever, along with my eyes. Junmyeon wipes the remainder of my tears with the cotton fabric of his long-sleeve. I blink, clearing out my eyes. As I take in a sharp breath, Junmyeon grabs my hand.

“I’m not leaving you, Sehun. Not now, not in my next lifetime. I swear, okay?” Junmyeon coaxes. I listen to his voice. I take in the warmth, along with the gruff, of his voice as he speaks. “Remember, _I am the star that protects you, even if you can’t see me._ ”

I nod. He touches my face, his fingertips dry yet warm against my cheekbone. His hand moves towards my forehead where he pushes back my locks of black strands. He continues his path to the back of my neck, and before I know it, he's pulling my face closer to his—slowly but surely. I sharply breathe momentarily, trying to comprehend Junmyeon's actions.

"Sehun," he says as our foreheads touch. "Can I kiss you? Just this once." He looks into my eyes, and they’re glassy and dull. I try to answer, but when I open my mouth to speak, nothing comes out. My heart has sunk so deep within me, and my throat hurts so bad from crying that I simply can’t talk. Instead, I nod.

Junmyeon brings his hands down along the length of my arms, then around my waist. He looks up at me again, our lips now just barely touching. I place my hand on his soft cheek as I pull him closer. And then, without hesitation, he kisses me. I let him do it the way he wants to, which is smoothly, but subtle and effective, because I feel my heart is beating too fast. I hold onto the kiss as he tries to pull away. But eventually, his lips are disconnected, and he whispers, "Just once."

God, I wish I could kiss him again. Just one more time. One more chance to feel his lips against mine, one more chance to hold his delicate face in my hands, one more chance to just _feel_ him. But Junmyeon glances down to the area of my chest, and rests his forehead on my shoulder. I pull him closer, his head buried in between my neck and shoulder, and his arms wrap tighter around my torso. I feel my heart break when he lets out a quiet sob. Then, I feel the wet tears seep onto my skin, and they seem to make their way to my heart, which is already fractured and in pain.

I don’t look at him. I _can’t_ look at him. Not when my face is red and my eyes are puffy and tears can’t seem to stop falling from my eyes. And definitely not if I have to see the hurt in Junmyeon’s face. I just stroke his hair and rub the small of his back, trying to get him to stop his tears.

He finally looks up at me again, a shooting pain runs through my chest.

He places his hand on my cheek. “I love you.”

  
I wonder, _what will I do without him?_

* * *

  _ **Will I always be in love with him**_ ** _?_ **

Every day for the next two weeks, I’d show up at Junmyeon’s house at the same time. Each time, he’d be laying in bed, either sleeping or writing in his songbook. But as each day passed, he talked less, he didn’t smile as big, and his eyes seemed to become more dim.

I walk over to his home, the fall leaves crunching beneath my feet. The weather is still somewhat warm, but a cool breeze blows through every now and then. There aren’t any lights on inside Junmyeon’s house, but once I ring the doorbell, the house seems to light up.

“Sehun, welcome.” His mother opens the door and I slowly step in. The house is rather simple—no frames on the wall, white paint, black furniture. It’s quite calm. But Junmyeon lives here, so that’s no surprise.

“Junmyeon is upstairs,” Mrs. Kim instructs. I smile at her before I walk up the stairs. Once I reach the next floor, there are multiple rooms, but it doesn’t take long for me to find where Junmyeon rests. His room is completely silent, other than the barely audible piano music playing from a small speaker next to his bed. He lays on the bed, eyes nearly shut, covered in blankets.

Once he hears me step in the room, his eyes seem to light up. To my surprise, a smile forms on his face. It doesn’t feel as if it’s really Junmyeon. He was always cold-faced, and the bright eyes I had first seen turned dark. Seeing him like this made me more happy to see him.

“Hey, Jun.” I walk closer to the bed. He doesn’t speak. He just smiles. I sit myself down in the cushioned chair in the corner, but Junmyeon immediately motions for me to come near him. I kneel next to the bed, where there are more machines keeping track of Junmyeon’s vitals. The noise starts to become more and more familiar to me.

Junmyeon attempts a deep breath, but it’s shorter than anticipated. He turns over onto his side so he’s facing me. I help him become more comfortable by adjusting the pillows behind his head, then tucking the blankets over him further.

“Is this okay?” I ask him as I place my hand on his shoulder. He nods.

“Perfect.”

Neither of us speak as I sit down again. The music slowly fades out before beginning a new song. It’s a slow and peaceful song, and I can tell Junmyeon is focused on it. As he brushes his fingers over my hand, he presses against my arm along with the melody of the song. I laugh, and so does he.

Once the song is halfway over, Junmyeon’s mother walks in. She has a small plate in her hands, and suddenly, the scent of hotteok fills my nose. I look at Junmyeon, and he smiles again. Mrs. Kim sets the plate on the table next to the bed, and Junmyeon immediately reaches for the food. I grab one of the cakes for him, tearing off a piece and putting it to his mouth. The corners of his lips turn up as he chews. I take a piece for myself.

Time passes, and we eat the remainder of the hotteok, listening to the music through the speakers. Junmyeon closes his eyes now and then, but I hold his hand again, and he would open his eyes again. And in between all that, he’d have coughing attacks, and then complain about a sore throat. I give him water each time.

I can tell Junmyeon has grown to be rather drowsy, but he still asks me to sit in bed with him. I gladly crawl under the covers, and the whole time, he’s smiling. I take note of the way his eyes brighten when he grins, for it makes my heart pound out of pure love and admiration. If I could keep him here and make him smile for the rest of his life, I would.

We’re both beneath the duvet, and Junmyeon’s small body is curled up next to mine. He practically covers me entirely, for he is now laying right on top of me. His body weight is light—and I know it’s a bad thing. As I run my hand up and down his back, I feel his ribs through his skin, along with the short breaths he takes. He starts to drift off, and he’s aware, because as soon as his eyelids begin to fall he picks up his head to look at me.

“Sehun.” His voice sounds the same whenever he repeats my name, but each time, it’s something new. My heart still races and my stomach always tingles.

I brush a strand of hair from his forehead, continuing to stroke his brown locks. “What is it?”

He looks down in embarrassment, but I gently place my fingers below his chin, and he picks his head up again. He blushes as I look him in his eyes.

“Can I…kiss you again?”

His question makes the air in my lungs vanish. Again, I lose all ability to speak, and I just end up staring at him like an idiot. But, I don’t need to answer this time, because Junmyeon goes ahead and kisses me without warning. I move my hand back down to his waist, wrapping my arm around him. He places his hands on both my cheeks which sends my whole body into a shudder. The feeling of him being this close to me is one I wish I could experience many times after this, but I know that isn’t the case, so I savor each millisecond and the touch of his fingers on my face and our hearts beating right along with one another.

Junmyeon stops the kiss for a moment, only to give me one last peck. I keep my eyes closed as he pulls away.

“Can I just…I don’t know…” Junmyeon trails on, flustered. I grab onto his hand to reassure him that he can talk to me. “Will you let me just, touch you?”

I nod.

And his fingers are brushing against the features of my face—my dry lips, the area beneath my eyes, the edges of my eyelids, all along my hairline, then his hands are rustling the black strands atop my head. The feeling is soothing and sends me into a calm state. I softly close my eyes, and Junmyeon continues feeling me. His touches move from my head down to my neck and collarbone. His thumb grazes over my throat, which tickles, and I let out a small chuckle. He then traces the length of my clavicle, which leads him to my shoulder. He pulls down my t-shirt to reveal more of my skin. I don’t expect him to start to softly kiss the area. The action causes me to shiver, especially when his hands sneak beneath the hem of my shirt. His hands explore my body as I feel the goosebumps rise all over my arms and my legs.

I begin to feel breathless the moment Junmyeon begins tugging at the bottom of the shirt, gesturing for me to take it off. It's what he wants, so I do it. And he just stares at me. 

"You're so beautiful."

I swallow hard. Junmyeon touches my face again. He slowly picks up his body as I sit up more. He straddles his legs around my lap, placing his hands on my chest. I pray he can't feel my heart, which is beating a million times a second. As Junmyeon leans in towards me again, I expect him to kiss me, but instead, he starts placing his lips all down my neck and along my shoulder. I let out a breath as I bring my hands beneath his shirt, tracing the outline of his spine.

 

I pull his shirt off. I look at his body, and all I can think is,  _he's so skinny._ It's true, because I not only can feel his ribs now, but I can see them. I feel my heart break a little more. 

He grabs the covers, pulling them over us, enveloping our bodies in warmth. I let Junmyeon continue to rest on his back. I lay on my side, resting my hand on Junmyeon's bare stomach, and I place light pecks on his cheek. He responds by letting out a small yet cute giggle.

"You're so cute," I tell him. Junmyeon turns his head towards me and shows me a small smile. He blushes as I brush the strands of hair over his head back and out of his face. He grabs my hand and holds it for a moment before pouting his lips, begging for a kiss. I lean in, softly brushing my nose against his, which causes him to laugh again. The sound warms my heart, knowing he's happy. Even if it's just for a fleeting moment. He's happy.

Then I let him put his lips against mine. 

"I love you," I tell him as I place my hand on his shoulder. He looks into my eyes longingly, and I can tell he's examining something behind mine, for I notice tears starting to form along his lashline. 

“Sehun,” Junmyeon says. He takes his hands and places them on my shoulders, gesturing for me to lay down again. He curls up next to me on his side and rests his head on my chest. “Find someone better than me, okay?”

“That’s impossible.”

Junmyeon sighs. “Find someone who will live long enough to love you.”

I don’t answer him. I let him have the last word.

We look outside the window through its blinds and watch the sun go down and the stars grow brighter. Junmyeon would make comments about how confusing he found this entire earth—the people living on it could be cursed with such terrible lives, the way our moon was always in the sky yet only visible at night and the ripe morning, how dogs seemed to connect to humans yet have no ability to speak—he wondered.

He wondered about life's little things the way I wondered about him. 

Junmyeon eventually falls asleep, and he’s still resting right on my side. I gently get up and place his body in a comfortable position, covering his shoulders with the blankets. Once he’s comfortable again, I make my way out of the bed. I kneel next to him before I leave.

I softly brush my fingertips over his face, tracing his hairline, feeling the soft hair behind his ear, down his jawline and neck. I feel the area where his pulse beats, and when I feel the rhythmic oscillation, I feel the worry and anxiousness lift off my shoulders. I take note of how he’s slowly breathing and how his pulse continually beats beneath my fingers. I also take note of how unbelievably beautiful and handsome he is. He's perfect, and I love him.

Once the outside sky turns into a dark void, I tell myself that Junmyeon should rest without me admiring him. I stand up, bending over above Junmyeon’s face. I place a soft kiss on his forehead, and I wonder,  _will I always be in love with him?_

* * *

**_Maybe I shouldn’t have fallen in love._ **

I wake up the next day with five missed calls from Junmyeon. I immediately feel like I should worry, and I do. My heart paces as I call him back, praying it’s Junmyeon who answers and not his mother. My heart stops when I hear his husky voice tell me good morning.

“Junmyeon,” I breathe. “Are you alright?”

“I’m okay. I just need you to do something for me.”

I pause. “What is it?”

He lets out a deep breath, and I can just tell he’s reminiscing.

“Take me to my beach. Just one last time.”

Hearing him say _last time_ makes the temporary excitement in me vanish completely. The way he says it—I can tell he’s sad. But I don’t want him to be sad. So I put on my neatest outfit and go over to Junmyeon’s home in the car.

He’s already sitting out on the front lawn. I jump out of my car to see him. I notice he doesn’t have his little oxygen tank, and he’s breathing on his own. Or so I hope.

“Hi Jun,” I greet, sitting next to Junmyeon. He looks at me but he doesn’t smile. I try not to think much of it. “Do you wanna go?”

He nods. So I hook my arm around his and help him stand, eventually getting him into the car.

As I drive, he stays quiet, which I expect due to his rather glum mood. I reach my hand over towards him, placing it on his leg. He softly covers it with his cute little fingers, brushing his thumb over the back of my hand. I glance at him, and he’s looking down at our hands.

“It’s okay,” I tell him. I don’t necessarily know what’s bothering him—other than the fact that his days are numbered—but I reassure him anyway. I know it’s what he needs

We reach the bumpy back roads which indicates we’re almost to our destination. Junmyeon occasionally starts coughing a lot, and I worry, but I’ve learned that’s normal for him. He gets over it within a matter of minutes. At one point, I look over at Junmyeon, and I can tell he’s studying the trees and bushes and small buildings we pass by as we drive. His eyes are slightly squinted, window slightly rolled down for fresh air. All I can think is _he is so damn beautiful._

I take one last turn before parking right before the stretch of woods. Junmyeon slowly gets out—slow enough for me to exit myself and help him. He takes my hand, and we walk.

Once our feet sink into the sand, it seems as if Junmyeon sinks deeper into sadness, and I sink further into confusion. We make our way to our spot, which is close enough to the water to feel the refreshing waves, but far enough so we don’t get wet. Junmyeon doesn’t stand for a while. I watch him from my stance, and he turns away from me. He hangs his head, and when his shoulders start to shake, I immediately panic.

“Junmyeon, what’s wrong,” I ask quietly. I stand in front of him, putting my hands on his shoulders. He covers his eyes with his hands but it doesn’t take much for me to notice he’s crying. “Jun, sit down. Talk to me.”

We sit on the sand and Junmyeon continues to keep his head down. With my body in front of his, I sneak my hand onto his cheek, but he immediately shakes his head. I feel my stomach churn as he heaves in a deep and shaky breath. With more force, I take the hand that covers his face. He just hangs his head even lower.

“Please Junmyeon. Please,” I beg. He finally looks up at me. The sight of his red and watery eyes along with his frown makes my heart sore.

He lets out another sob. “I don’t want to die.” He breathes in slowly, making sure he gets enough air. I wipe his tears away as they fall. “I told you you couldn’t be in love with me. You should have listened. Because now, I’m in love with you, and I really don’t want to leave you.”

He breaks down again, burying his face in his hands. I feel my whole body begin to physically pulse with pain as I watch Junmyeon in his sadness. Just as I begin to make a move, Junmyeon moves closer to me, collapsing in my arms. He wraps his fragile arms around my body and holds me tight. He cries into my shoulder harder and harder. I just rub his back slowly, hoping to get him to stop his tears.

“I’m sorry,” I tell him, my own voice slightly cracking. “I’m so sorry.”

Junmyeon slowly claws at my back, and I can tell he’s holding in any more cries. I softly stroke the back of his hair as he sniffles and clears his throat. He finally stops, but I know he’s still hurting. If he’s hurting the way I am—he’s really _hurting._

“We all die someday, Junmyeon. Soon enough, we'll be together in heaven. We can eat hotteok and you can sing for me. It will be okay. Believe me,” I coax. Junmyeon continues taking in shaky breaths. These breaths become more and more heavy, which makes me nervous. I let him out of my arms, and when I see his face, I know that this isn’t Junmyeon sitting before me. It’s someone else— _something_ else—something dark and sullen and void.

I place a hand on Junmyeon’s cheek, softly stroking his velvety skin. He continues to look down at the sand.

“Is there anything I can do?”

He looks up. “Spend the night with me.”

*

I do just that.

We help each other set up a mini fort in the piano room, which ends up just becoming a pile of soft pillows and fluffy blankets. The sun has already began to fall, the sky growing darker and darker. Junmyeon isn’t using his oxygen at all, which results in him moving slower and breathing louder. All the while, I make sure he’s okay.

I tell Junmyeon to rest while I go to the kitchen and get some snacks. I meet Junmyeon’s mother who is already making popcorn in the microwave.

“Hi Mrs. Kim,” I greet. She smiles at my appearance.

“Hello Sehun,” she replies happily. The microwave beeps immediately after she speaks. As she takes out the bag, she walks over to the island in the middle of the kitchen where all of Junmyeon’s supplements are sorted out.

“Want me to take those up for him?”

She nods. As she closes the caps to the several pill bottles, I can tell she’s sad. I want to say something, but I don’t know what.

“Thank you, Sehun.” She looks up at me with tears in her eyes. I’m slightly confused as to why she’s thanking me.

“For what?” I ask as I walk closer to her.

“For making my son happy again. I swear, the minute he realized how serious this sickness was, he was so… sad. He was so closed off. He stopped his piano and singing. He barely spoke to anyone. He knew if he became attached to anyone, leaving them would hurt too much. You really changed him, Sehun.”

I don’t know what to say. So I don’t say anything. I just smile.

“He loves you so much.”

I nod. “I love him more.”

There’s a long pause, but I focus on the growing scent of popcorn to distract myself. Mrs. Kim slides the bowl over to me before patting my back. “Go have fun.”

So I walk up the steps again, and I already hear the sound of the piano coming from the room. I smile to myself as I listen from outside the door. Although it does sound dark and solemn, it’s fast paced, and I can hear a slight energy behind each note. I can tell Junmyeon hasn’t played like this in a while.

I crack the door open, not wanting Junmyeon to notice me. Even as I begin to creep inside, he continues to play like there’s no tomorrow. I feel my smile growing bigger and bigger the further into the song he gets. I walk towards him, no longer caring if he notices. I watch his fingers press down on the keys repetitively. I feel deja vu from the time I sang for him. I _really_ wish he could sing for me. I want to hear the soft and warm voice I know he has.

Instead of turning around and looking to me again when he finishes, Junmyeon stays staring at the keys. I place the bowl of popcorn on the ground. I then wrap my arms around his chest, resting my chin on his shoulder. He sets his hand over my arm and softly strokes it.

“You okay?” I ask him with a soft tone. He then starts to stand again, facing me. He softly nods with a small smile, which I can tell is fake, before standing on his toes and placing a light kiss on my cheek. He walks over to our pile of blankets and pillows. I grab the popcorn and join him.

He grabs the laptop from beside where he spreads his body to rest, and I do the same. I let him rest his body next to mine the way he always does—head nuzzled up on my shoulder, hands resting either on my chest or my stomach. He turns on a movie, which I assume is his favorite. _Star Wars: Return of the Jedi._ I don’t have to look twice to see how happy he is to be watching it.

While he has his focus on the movie, I seem to be focused on Junmyeon. As he chows down on the popcorn, I make sure he’s okay, I’ll place a kiss on his forehead, and sometimes, he’ll kiss me straight on the lips. Each time, his lips are salty from the popcorn, but I don’t care, because it’s Junmyeon I’m kissing.

It’s about the middle of the movie—Princess Leia seems to be talking with Luke about them being twins—when Junmyeon suddenly closes the laptop and sets it away. He rests against my body again, letting his weight sink into my side. I assume he wants to sleep. That is until he crawls on top of me completely. He has one leg on either side of my waist, and he grabs my face in his hands, looking right at my lips, but he doesn’t try to kiss me. I wrap my arms around his small body and pull him closer.

“Sehun.” I hold his hand, for I’ve learned that when Junmyeon says my name this way, he’s going to say something important.. His eyes glisten with tears. He looks down, letting out a sigh. Picking his head up again, he says, “I love you.”

He kisses me—just once—softly and delicately. But he keeps his face close to mine, so our foreheads are touching along with our noses. I run my hand up and down his spine, feeling each vertebrae, taking note of his slow breaths. Eventually, Junmyeon lets his body fully collapse on mine. I wrap my arms completely around him so he’s even more close to me. His arms are now loosely around my neck, stroking my black hair.

So we lay there, just holding each other, letting the time pass. I momentarily place soft kisses on Junmyeon’s neck to remind him _I’m here_. I know he hasn’t fallen asleep because I can feel the tears falling down my back as he holds me tighter.  He doesn’t seem to move otherwise.

I sit up, still holding Junmyeon in my arms. He takes his head off my shoulder but immediately covers his face with his hands. I _hate_ seeing him like this. I hate _this._ My chest is sore and my heart feels the need to stop beating as I watch Junmyeon hurt. I force myself not to cry, for I don’t want to upset Junmyeon. I clench my jaw and make sure I don’t blink.

“Junmyeon, don’t cry.” I take his hands from his face, holding them tightly. Tears are forming in my eyes faster than I want them to. Then they suddenly attack completely, falling like waterfalls down my cheeks. I know for a fact it’s because the man that I love and will always love is slipping away from me as each second passes.

I swallow hard. “We have now okay? I’m here, you’re here. It’s okay,” my voice cracks as I speak. He nods slowly. “And we have heaven too, there’s always then. We’ll be together, I promise.”

Junmyeon looks down. He grabs ahold of my hands before placing a kiss on my forehead.

“We should sleep,” Junmyeon suggests, obviously not wanting to talk about this topic any longer. He lays himself down on his back, pulling the blankets over his body. I stay sitting up as I watch him. “Lay down, Sehun.”

I follow his instructions, resting my body next to his. I immediately begin to feel my body and my mind grow more and more tired. As I close my eyes and let out a breath, Junmyeon pokes at my side, grabbing my attention again. I look over at him, and he’s facing me as he rests on his side. Instead of touching him, I admire him—his round eyes that glare at me longingly, his cute nose, his pouty lips, his velvet skin. His eyelids slowly droop as he looks at me.

I can tell he doesn’t feel like speaking. He just wants to _be_ here. So I let us do that. Junmyeon crawls closer to me, bringing our faces close together again. I close my eyes as I feel his hands on my arms, stroking them slowly. I hold my breath, and I stay frozen, for Junmyeon seems so precious and fragile at this point—I don’t want to break him any more than I already have.

I open my eyes for a moment to see Junmyeon’s are shut. I sneak my arm behind his back, bringing him closer. I do it gently, just like the way I kiss him after. Slow and gentle. I hold on to the kiss as I take in the feeling of his lips—soft, sweet. He barely kisses back, and I know it’s because he’s so drained. He just wants to let go. He wants to get the heartache overwith. He just wants to be _done._

I pull away, and he looks up at me.

“Sehun.”

I worry.

“I’m sorry,” he says. I shake my head.

“You have no reason to be sorry. Just rest, Jun,” I instruct him.

“I shouldn’t have let you love me.”

I wonder. _Maybe I shouldn’t have fallen in love._

* * *

**_Will my wonders come to an end?_ **

This time of year is rather nice. It’s the first snow of the winter, Thanksgiving weekend just concluded, and the feeling of the year coming to a close becomes more and more real to me. That, and Junmyeon. After our night together, there were many days where I couldn’t see him, for he keeps getting worse and worse.

But today, I enter the house without knocking. Junmyeon’s mother is in the bedroom next to him. When I see him, he’s still covered in thick sheets and tubes which connect to all different parts of his body, which makes it hard to even see him at all. He’s sleeping. As soon as I look at him, my hands sweat, my heart pounds, and my stomach tingles. I see his mother who’s sitting in the chair next to the bed. There are tears falling from her face.

“Sehun,” she greets. I swallow hard, already feeling my heart break. Her voice is dark yet soft, and I can tell she is already grieving.

“Hello, Mrs. Kim.” I walk further into the room. I let out a deep breath as I hear the slow, but continuous, beeping of the heart monitor. He’s still here. “How is he?”

She doesn’t answer for a while. I look at Junmyeon, and his eyes are peacefully resting, chest rising and falling slowly as he takes short breaths.

Mrs. Kim stands from the chair. “Please, sit,” she offers. I take a seat in the cushioned chair, smiling at her. She still hasn’t answered my question.

“Junmyeon,” she speaks. She kneels next to him, brushing her fingers over Junmyeon’s soft face. The action causes his eyelids to flutter, along with a slight movement of his legs and body. As he slowly but surely wakes up, I feel my heart beat faster. “Sehun is here. You can see him now,” she whispers before sniffling. I move the chair closer to the bedside. I hold Junmyeon’s hand.

“Sehun,” he says, although it’s barely audible. A nerve-wracking tightening in my chest occurs as Junmyeon inhales a small, yet stifled breath. I squeeze onto his hand tighter.

“Don’t talk, Jun,” I tell him. His eyelids slowly fall at times, making me even more worried. But I just told his limber fingers tighter, and he opens his eyes again.

“Sehun. Listen,” he starts. I can barely hear him. I lean in closer to him, my ear right next to his mouth. “I want you to sing my songs, okay? Your voice is beautiful, don’t waste it. Can you do that for me?”

I set my hand on his shoulder, nodding as I comprehend his words. I try my best to keep the tears in my eyes from falling. But when Junmyeon places his cold hand on my cheek, turning my face towards his, I have no choice but to let them fall. He just wipes them away.

My heart seems to break completely. I feel tears form in my eyes, a burning sensation growing stronger in my head.

I stroke Junmyeon’s hair as he lets out a breath, his head falling deeper into the pillow. The brown strands are silky and loose beneath my hand. With my free hand, I search for Junmyeon’s, eventually holding his fingers tightly between mine. He slowly breathes, taking in full breaths. I can tell he’s tired. He’s tired of fighting. He’s only here because I’m keeping him here.

Mrs. Kim walks over to the other side of the bed. She holds Junmyeon’s other hand.

“It’s okay,” I tell him before I place kisses on his cheek. “I’m okay.”

I can tell he wants to cry. His breaths are stifled and short, and his facial expression shows nothing but pain. Pain shooting through his body just when he simply takes a breath. Pain running through his sore bones. But more than anything, pain circling his mind, which is full of nothing but sadness, because he can see how badly I want to kiss him and hold him again, and it’s hurting him. Because he wishes he didn’t have to spend those kisses like it was his last.

“I’m sorry,” he breathes. “I’m so sorry.”

And he lets go.

I don’t wonder.

 

 

* * *

  ** _Is there anything worth wondering about anymore?_**

I’ve found myself become a member of the black sea today. This ocean consists of nobody but Junmyeon’s closest friends and family, and of course, me.

There are only a few pictures of him that I see. There is one which looks more recent than the others—his hair is dark, he’s smiling, his eyes are glowing, and his cheeks are full and red. He looks _alive._ As if he hadn’t been battling that sickness all his life. Like he was _okay._

I sit alone, and I stare at the three photographs Mrs. Kim has given me. One is a baby picture. The baby has the same brilliance and happiness as the Junmyeon I always knew.

Another, he’s probably in his younger teenage years. He’s simply playing the piano, and he’s completely concentrated on the keys. I wish I could have heard him play more.

The last one is evidently recent. It appears as if he’s somewhere tropical, from a vacation he recently went on, because he’s wearing a flower-shirt and the sun is beaming down on him as he grins from ear to ear. He looks so happy. I wish I could have been there to see this moment in person. I had only seen him smile a fair number of times, and my heart hurts as I think about all the smiles I could have seen before then. All the happy times when he thought he could live with a lung transplant. The moments where in the back of his mind, he knew, _there’s a chance. You can survive. You can stay._

But happy can only last so long.

It only could last until he found out there was no donor match. Until he couldn’t afford any more hospital visits.

The sky grows more and more vibrant as the sun begins to set. I realize that I’m still sitting here, frozen in my seat, staring at the photos of Junmyeon. I try to get myself to gain the courage and pay respects to his family, but it’s almost as if I’m glued to the sofa. The funeral home is quiet and eerie, but being in here alone seems to bring me comfort.

As I watch people begin to leave with their families from the window, I feel a sudden pain shoot through my heart. This is happening. He’s gone. I’m not in the middle of a nightmare. I’m here, breathing, living, watching this all happen right before my eyes.

I stand up, and I make my way out of the building, where the sky outside is covered with clouds. I look up, but there’s just grey. No color whatsoever.

“Sehun,” Mrs. Kim says from the parking lot. I walk down to where she stands. She immediately pulls me in for a hug. “Thank you for coming.”

“I wouldn’t miss it,” I reply. “I love him.”

She nods and rubs her hand along my arm. “I know.”

* * *

It’s still a pleasant day outside when I go to his beach. I’ve gone the whole day without crying, which is surprising. It’s only because I know that if I begin to cry, I won’t stop.

So I finally give myself the right to break down. I cry the whole drive to the beach. I don’t stop crying for what feels like forever. My eyes hurt, my throat is sore, and my chest throbs in pain with each heartbeat. I try to focus on what’s around me, but that’s hard when all I can think about is _Junmyeon,_ all I feel is _Junmyeon,_ all I hear is _Junmyeon._

I lie down on the cold sand, clutching Junmyeon’s songbook in my arms. As I watch as the sky become a mixture of blues and oranges and pinks, I flip open the book. There are pages and pages of lyrics, which I had expected, but the most recent one was titled _For Sehun, from your Starlight._

Slipping through my fingers  
Love is shaped like your tears  
_Slightly shaking despite hiding my hesitation  
_ Your answer is “no”

I try to imagine his voice singing these lyrics, but I can’t, because I never got to hear him sing. As I recall this fact, I know that it will haunt me forever. I wish I could hear him hum, hit high notes, and reach to his lower register when singing lower notes. I wish I could hear it all. But I can’t.

_Even though we’re so in love_

We both hurt each other  
_But I still wanted to be with you  
_ I want you to stay forever

_My dear diamond crystal_

There's a note underneath, and I almost force myself not to read it, because I don't want to have to hear his voice and wish he was here even more. I feel as if I'm hurting enough, but seeing his small and messy writings makes me curious, and before I know it I'm reading the bunches of sentences. 

_Sehun,_

_I can't believe what we've become. I know I don't use my words enough to express how much I love you—I guess my heart has become a bit cold these past years—but you really make me so happy. I love you a lot. I want us to be married and have a family and home together. But some things just aren't meant to be, and I have to accept that._

_I wrote this about you because you're beautiful like a diamond—really, the moment I brought you my mother's homemade hotteok I thought I was looking at a prince. I think if I could look at you forever I could be cured. Your hair is perfect, so are your cute crescent eyes that scrunch up when you smile, along with you lips that I really love to kiss. You're really just perfect. But you're also clear as a crystal—remember when you just kissed me that time on the beach? I look back and it was quite cute. You don't hide anything which I admire so much about you. You're my diamond crystal, Sehun. And I am your starlight. Remember that, love._

_Also, remember everything happens for a reason. I became ill for a reason. I was brought to your neighborhood for a reason. We fell in love for a reason. It's all okay, as much as it hurts._

_I will miss you. I'll be your guardian for as long as you live. I'll make sure you feel loved, I'll always be with you. I love you, I love you, I love you._

__I am the star that protects you, even if you can’t see me._ _

__— Junmyeon_ _

I close the book, which is soaked in my tears which continue to stream down my face. I look up, and the sky has faded and become nothing but grey. I cry more, because clouds have covered almost the entire surface of the sky, which means I won’t see any stars.

As I lay here, I wonder if Junmyeon liked it when he could see the stars. He would always be laying on the grass in the front yard—he had to have had a preference. Maybe he liked some clouds, for he seemed to like overcast days, because that’s when he’d be outside most often. No clouds would mean many stars, which could easily be obnoxious for him.

It’s finally dark, and I see no stars. I don’t even see much of the moon, for it’s too cloudy. I wish for it to clear up, because I want to see the twinkling flecks of light, because maybe it will also clear my head. I can’t get the overwhelming thoughts out of my head. _He’s dead. He’s not here. I’ll never see him resting on the lawn from my window. I’ll never get to admire him as we sit on this same beach. I’ll never get to wonder about him._

The air is bitterly cold, despite it being December. I turn on my side, my cheek lightly touching the soft sand. I let my tears fall onto the rocks as I dig my fingers in the surface. My black hair falls over my head as I rest. I look ahead, and I see where Junmyeon and I would sit. I remember the first and only time I kissed him. I wish I could have done that more.

I turn over, now I’m laying on my back. I look up, and finally, there are stars. I see each of them with my own eyes, shining at different brightnesses, glowing at different sizes. But there’s always one star that shines brighter than others—polaris. The north star, the center of our sky. The same center of Junmyeon’s sky that he’d stare into. The same star.

As I stare at the starlight, I hear his raspy voice saying, _"I want you to sing my songs, okay? Your voice is beautiful, don’t waste it. Can you do that for me?”_

So I sing.

_A star that rises during the day, a star that protects you. Even if you can’t see it, even if you can’t see anything._

My heart hurts. I let out more sobs, not holding back any emotion. I want him here. I want to be able to kiss him again, hold his small but cute fingers, and stare at his perfect complexion. But I can't.

I look at the brighter stars, and I wonder, _is there anything worth wondering about anymore?_


End file.
